Contribution by Guest Blogger Yiska Obadia.
It’s amazing to me how we, as a culture & individually, are still looking for that magic pill that will make us have the body, health, relationship, self-esteem, & life in general that we want. We’ve continued to defer responsibility for our wellbeing to experts, to medicine, to the whim of another’s attention, to anyone but ourselves. What if it’s been in us all along; the power to create the lives we want? It may actually be the hardest pill to swallow that no one is going to make it happen for us, yet that is the very ticket to our freedom, power & joy.
This post is about PR, personal responsibility. No one can represent you in creating the life you want but YOU. When we hand the switch to our lives & happiness over to circumstances; to whether or not the guy calls back, or the bakery around the corner is open or closed, or the yoga class schedule fits ours, or the chance validation arrives in our inbox, we are forever at the whim of forces outside of ourselves. Sure sometimes that may feel good, but when we come to rely on that, we are more often than not left feeling frustrated, inadequate, less than, & powerless to feel the way we want.
A client who I recently coached was feeling deeply disempowered, undesirable, un-cool, and quite tortured by the waxing and waning of affections from a certain male friend. When I asked her what the effect on her was, of giving him the switch to her self-perception, she at first stated the obvious; it feels miserable! Upon deeper inquiry though she was able to admit the pay-off was that it felt easier to put it in his hands than her own. She didn’t have to take responsibility for how she felt about herself, her hotness or sexiness or pleasure. He could determine that for her. Essentially she was being lazy! No judgment here, just honesty. But when she noticed that if she took back the reins to her self-perception & her capacity for self-pleasure she didn’t need his validation anymore. It’s not that she couldn’t enjoy his company or affections, but they would be part of her design, her desires & her vision for a life full of pleasure, sexiness & happiness.
I noticed the same thing in myself a couple of months ago in relationship with my husband. When his attention was being focused on something other than me I’d get angry at him, but it was actually my laziness and failure to take my desire for affection, love, warmth, friendship & attention into my own hands. I’ve since been nourishing myself with not only his love, but also spending more time with my friends & am even hosting a cuddling party in a couple of weeks. Once we call ourselves out on our laziness & start to take responsibility for having the lives we want, life can become so huge. I’m no longer limited to having things on the terms of a single object of my attention, but life expands to encompass the wide range of all the world has to offer.
This is true in the realm of health and fitness too. When I put my attention on more than the unforgiving scale & modern measurements of beauty, the temptations of the food industry & how hard it is to cook for myself or workout, the miracle starts happening. As soon as I got connected to my desire for health & how I wanted it to look & feel, I was on it. When I stopped complaining about it not being fair that this area of my life needed attention & saw I could create a life of health & wellness that suits me & my strongest desires, I was in action. I hired a health coach, returned to overeater’s anonymous & scheduled my first massage in months!
Here are a few steps to recovering your PR (personal responsibility):
- Name your top complaint or frustration.
- Notice to whom or what you’ve given the keys to your happiness. (Be compassionate & love your lazy self here!)
- Get back to what really matters to you. Identify what you really want in the area of that complaint.
- Drum up a way to handle your PR in that area.
- Get in action in that area in any way, large or small.
- Notice the satisfaction you feel from recovering the reins to your life in that realm.
- Do it again.
Instead of waiting for the world to buy your theories about how hard or unfair or impossible life is, try selling yourself on the idea that the life of your dreams, from health to love to pleasure & self-esteem is in your hands & start seeing how much fun you can having playing with the world & all the ways it can support you in realizing your biggest desires.